Survival of the Stillest
(The Anti-Movement Movement)
By James Roundtree
According to the health police, who obviously take great joy in announcing the latest thing that will kill us, the latest thing that will kill us is… Wait, are you sitting down for this? Well, don’t because it’s SITTING DOWN! Sounds crazy, right? After all, unless you’re a Mafia snitch or a dental patient, you can’t get hurt sitting down.
To verify this alarmist claim, I called the health police. When a woman answered, I asked, “I have a question about sitting. Is it really a health hazard?”
“Ohmigod, it’s like the worst thing ever!” she cried. “Please don’t tell me you’re sitting right now!”
“Actually, I am,” I said.
“Then, get up immediately,” she said, “before your entire body goes bad.”
I leaped up and asked, “What exactly is wrong with sitting?”
“It’s not the sitting,” she said, “it’s the not moving. You have to move, move, move.”
“Move, I got it,” I said and hung up.
As a lifelong sitter, I was concerned by this. However, I wanted to hear the other side of the story, so I called a group known as the Institute of Sloth and Lethargy (ISL). After about twenty rings, a rather languid voice answered, “ISL. This better be important.”
“It’s about the dangers of too much sitting and not enough moving,” I said.
“Ah, yes,” he replied. “We know all about that, and we don’t buy it.”
“All of our technical progress has been directed toward less and less movement,” he explained. Clearly, we are headed for an existence in which non-movement will be the dominant paradigm. Therefore, it won’t be the best movers who survive; it will be the people best adapted to not moving. We call it the anti-movement movement.”
“Wow! That makes a lot of sense,” I said.
“I’m glad you agree,” he said, “and if you’d like additional information, we have a series of non-exercise videos that will teach you how to sit, lounge, and lie down more efficiently. You can find them at www.slug-butt.com. Now, do you have any more questions?”
“Just one,” I replied. “What you say sounds right in theory, but do you have any evidence to back it up?”
“Yes, I do,” he said. “Look at the dinosaurs. In all the movies and documentaries you’ve watched, have you ever seen one sitting down?”
“Come to think of it, I haven’t,” I said.
“And what happened to them?”
“They went extinct,” I answered.
“Exactly,” he said.
“Boy, that’s a real eye-opener,” I said. “Thanks for the info. I will really have to sit down and think about this. Well, sit down anywa