Putin Claims Victory in U.S. Presidential Election…
Russians Deny Hacking Involved
Although initial returns showed Donald Trump as the clear-cut winner of the 2016 election, a sudden and inexplicable change in the vote count gave the victory to someone who wasn’t even on the ballot―Russian president Vladimir Putin. Putin garnered an amazing 119,547,293 million popular votes and all 538 Electoral College votes. Mr. Trump received nine votes and Mrs. Clinton got seven. Strangely, Libertarian Gary Johnson ended up in the negative column with -11 un-votes.
Attorneys for the Trump campaign immediately filed lawsuits with the Federal Election Commission, alleging that the results were altered by Russian government hackers.
Mr. Putin angrily denied these allegations and said, “We do not have hackers in Russian government, just computer experts who break into encrypted systems and networks.”
North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, who claims to have amassed over 350 billion write-in votes, also filed suit. However, since that number is about a thousand times more than the entire population of the U.S., Mr. Un’s suit was summarily dismissed.
Although authorities are highly suspicious of the results and are currently investigating them, Mr. Putin went public with his immediate plans:
- Retroactively modify Article II, Section 1 of the Constitution to read, “No Person except a natural born Citizen, or anyone named Vladimir… shall be eligible to the Office of President”
- Suspend future presidential elections because, as Putin says, “Everyone knows who’s going to win.”
- Make Putinka Vodka (it’s real) the official adult beverage of the U.S., and require everyone to consume at least three bottles a week. (“Pretty soon everyone will love me,” says Putin.)
- Change the U.S. motto to: “In Vlad we trust… or else.”
In addition, Mr. Putin plans to modify all U.S. currency to appear as shown on the one-dollar bill below: