Orts (noun): Scraps; leftovers
The Panhandler Problem…
When you encounter panhandlers, you have two bad choices: Either you ignore them and feel like a heel, or you give them money and feel like a sap. The trick is to not give them money but not feel guilty about it. Here are some suggestions.
When panhandlers walk toward you with a sign that says, “Need money for food,” hold up your own sign that says, “Need money for panhandlers.”
Tell the panhandlers you’ll give them money if they give you a receipt. (They’ll think you’re the crazy one and back away.)
Tell them you gave at the previous intersection.
Tell them that you only give to panhandlers who are truly starving, so ask for their height and weight in order to calculate their Body Mass Index.
Tell them you’d like to give them money but your therapist told you to stop being an enabler.
Tell them that their technique is all wrong. Suggest that they buy the book, Panhandling for Dummies.
Of course, there are times when you should give panhandlers money, such as when they have really clever signs. My favorite is “Help Fight Hobophobia.”
Famous To-do Lists
- Discover at least one secret of the universe before lunch.
- Get haircut.
- Rehearse extemporaneous Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
- Give two-weeks’ notice to Swiss patent office.
- Feed Schrödinger’scat. (Be careful opening cat-box.)
- Valentine’s Day. Flowers for odd-numbered wives; candy for even-numbered ones.
- Attend “Pillage and Plundering” seminar Tuesday night .
- Get extra sunscreen for invasion of Italy.
- RSVP for Friday night gorgefest.
- Trademark “Scourge of God” nickname
Share This Story
From The Court Reporter
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: This myasthenia gravis―does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.