Let The Greeting Wars Begin

As the recent election demonstrated, the American people are deeply divided along political, economic and ethnic lines. But no issue is more divisive and more bitterly contested than the annual greetings battle; specifically, Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays. (Note: There are also people who use offbeat greetings such as “Best wishes” and “Good cheer,” but we’re not going to include those weirdos in this discussion.)

The Merry Christmas advocates (MCers) inevitably accuse the Happy Holiday advocates (HHers) of being ultra-liberal, anti-Christian and―gasp!―PC.

The HHers accuse the MCers of being exclusionist, xenophobic and―double gasp!―racist. (Note: There is  actually no racial component involved here, but when you have the  high card you may as well play it.)

Undoubtedly, there are many Americans who would say, “This is just silly. Don’t we have more important things to argue about than simple greetings?”

To that we say, “What the hell is wrong with you people? Don’t you know we’re living in the age of hyper-sensitivity and over-reaction? You’re supposed to get offended over the slightest thing, then rant about it on social media. That’s the true American spirit.”

In closing we’d like to wish everyone a safe and happy holiday… unless you use the wrong greeting. In which case we hope you get radioactive hemorrhoids.

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