If You Don’t Like Soccer…
You’re A Moron
By James Roundtree
And so am I. And so, apparently, is the majority of the American people, because the likelihood that soccer will someday compete with American football (aka Concussions-R-Us) for popularity is nil.
Speaking of nil (note the smooth segue), isn’t that the most asinine word for “zero” you’ve ever heard? But if you’re in the company of soccer nuts, you darn well better use it. If you announce a soccer score of, say, “Two to nothing,” the nil Nazis will assault you like the panzers invading Poland. “It’s two nil!” the raving twits will scream, as though you’ve committed a crime against humanity.
Still, I keep watching soccer and keep trying to find reasons to enjoy it. After all, we’re constantly being told that it’s the world’s most popular and “sophisticated” sport. The implication is that most Americans are just too simple-minded to appreciate it.
However, from what I’ve seen, soccer is about as sophisticated as mud wrestling, because a typical match consists of a bunch of people randomly kicking and head-butting a ball around for 90 minutes, until—on extremely rare occasions—the ball goes into the goal. Whereupon the players, announcers and fans fly into a complete frenzy, as though they’ve witnessed one of the most unique events in the universe. Which isn’t very far from the truth.
Since the game itself doesn’t do anything for me, I decided to try and find other positive aspects of it. One of the things I really like is called “diving.” That’s when a player collapses to the ground and writhes about in agony if an opposing player so much as nicks his knickers. These histrionics often lead to yellow cards or even penalty kicks.
“Why, that’s out-and-out cheating,” I thought when I first saw it. Of course, that’s fine with Americans, because our athletes have been cheating for decades with PEDs and it hasn’t hurt the popularity of any major sport.
Then there is FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, and arguably the most corrupt group of officials in sports. Clearly, as with cheating, corruption is no problem for most Americans. After all, we keep electing the same politicians to public office year after year.
What about soccer fans? In general, they are even drunker and more deranged than American sports fans. Not only that, but they are far more violent. They have been known to assault, and even kill, players and officials who cost their teams big games.
To sum up: Soccer has cheating players, corrupt officials, public drunkenness, deranged fans and extreme violence. What could be more American?