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History

Kamikaze Airlines
Customer Survey

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A recent search of WWII Japanese military archives uncovered a large number of intriguing documents, including the only known copy of the Kamikaze Airlines Customer Survey form. It is shown below.

  1. Was this your first time on Kamikaze Airlines?

□  Yes
□  No

(Note: If your answer is “No” you’ll have to attend at least one Hara-kiri training class.)

  1. Other than the part where you crashed into an American naval vessel, would you say it was a positive experience?

□  Yes
□  No
□  It was positively smashing

  1. Would you volunteer to do it again?

□  No
□  Seriously?

  1. Would you recommend Kamikaze Airlines to others?

□  Yes
□  No

  1. If the answer to number 5 is “Yes,” to whom would you recommend it?

□  The guy who decided this was a good idea
□  My wife’s Karate instructor
□  Prime Minister Tojo
□  All of the above

  1. Tell us how we can improve our service, such as:

□  Airbags
□  Ejection seats
□  Round-trip tickets
Other suggestions (please keep it clean)  _______________

Thanks for your input! Thus far, 000 people have responded to this survey.

Kamikaze Airlines

One-way only

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Russkies, Fluoride and H-bombs…
I Miss the Cold War

By Wesley Michelson

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Even though I was just a kid, I remember the Cold War very well: Fallout shelters, fluoride-as-a-commie-plot, crouching under my desk to survive a thermonuclear war. Who could have imagined those times would become the good old days? But why not? It was a thrilling period in which to be a kid. Every night, we’d go to bed under the threat of being incinerated in a nuclear holocaust, and every morning, we’d wake up, look out the window and see a world not in ruins. How joyous we felt!

Plus, we knew who the enemy was, and we trusted the government, although I was a little skeptical of the “duck and cover” maneuver when the Russians exploded a 50-megaton monster nuke, which had ten times the destructive power of all of the conventional weapons used in World War II.

(Historical note: When the Russians demonstrated their superbomb, Nikita Krushchev taunted the U.S. with the phrase “Показать кузькину мать” which, if your Russian is rusty, loosely translates to “Yo’ mama.”)

Still, we thought the Cold War era was a pretty neat time. Of course, we also thought that Dick Clark was cool and that color TV was amazing, so what did we know? (Side Note: When we had only three channels, there was always something good to watch. Now that we have over a thousand, there rarely is.)

At this point, I could go on about why we liked Ike, Elvis and The Twilight Zone, but I’d just come off as an old fuddy-duddy pining for a long-gone golden age of mutual assured destruction.

Instead, I’ll just pour myself a glass of fluoridated commie-water, update my Facebook page, tweet a few random thoughts, turn on the TV and mindlessly change channels. Then, just for old times’ sake, I’ll crouch under my computer desk for a while and pretend it’s 1959. The nutbag North Korean dude has nukes, so you never know.

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