Hillary Admits To Personal CO2 Emissions…
Trump Says He Emits Way More
By Evan Allison
After spending over two years and nearly $60 million, a Congressional committee that has been investigating Hillary Clinton’s personal CO2 emissions released its final report. The report contains a scathing indictment of Mrs. Clinton. To wit: “It has been proven that Hillary Clinton emits copious quantities of CO2 every time she flaps her big fat yap, and has been doing so for her entire life.”
The committee chairman, Representative Trey Gowdy (R-SC), claims that the report’s conclusion, released in the final weeks of the presidential campaign, has nothing to do with politics. “We released it because we Republicans are very concerned about all that eco-crap, and we wanted to show how much pollution Hillary creates every time she spews out one of her lies. But that has nothing to do with politics.”
As soon as the report became public, Mrs. Clinton went on national television and explained her position. “This comes as no surprise because I was notified of the problem by private e-mails from the EPA, around 30,000 of them, when I first became Secretary of State.
“Naturally, I took immediate action and had a small CO2 scrubber installed in the upper part of my trachea. If I am elected, I will initiate a massive federal program to have scrubbers installed in all Americans regardless of race, color or creed. And just to show this is a non-partisan program, we’ll even include the racists, fascists and deplorables in the Republican party.
“Here’s an interesting side note,” continued Mrs. Clinton. “When the EPA measured my CO2 emissions they found them to be almost twice that of the normal person, even higher than a gasbag like Donald Trump. They said it’s because I’m such a vibrant, active person.”
When Trump was told of Clinton’s remarks, he had this to say: “First off, no one’s a bigger gasbag than me. I’m a huge gasbag. Huge! Second, it really doesn’t matter because, as I’ve said many times, man-made CO2 has nothing to do with global warming. And I can prove it. Watch.”
Then Mr. Trump proceeded to inhale and exhale very rapidly about ten times. After which he said, “I just expelled a massive amount of CO2, as I always do. Does anyone feel any warmer?”
No one responded.
“See?” said Trump. “Now let’s drop this climate change nonsense and get on to a really important topic―like why so many beauty contestants become tubbos once they win a pageant.”