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Sports

The NFL Wants YOU!
If You Even Look Like A Quarterback

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Are you stuck in a low-paying, dead-end job? Do you want a career in which you can make a boatload of money regardless of how badly you perform? Then, you should consider becoming an NFL quarterback!

You say you can’t throw very well and can hardly run? Neither could Peyton Manning in his final season, yet he still made $15 million―make that $19 million with incentives.

You say you injure easily and wouldn’t be able to play very much; plus, you throw tantrums when your team drafts a quarterback? Sounds like Sam Bradford of the Rams/Eagles/Vikings, who has a contract that pays him a guaranteed $22 million over two years and potentially as much as $35 million.

You say you have some natural talent but never accomplished anything significant, and you have a lousy attitude? That describes Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears, who has a contract that pays a guaranteed $54 million over seven years and could pay as much as $126 million.

You can see what’s going on here. Some NFL teams are so desperate for a half-decent quarterback that they will hire and overpay anyone who just looks the part. And what a sweet gig it is! You get money, fame and status, and you don’t even have to be good at your job.

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NFL Execs to Undergo Voluntary Concussion Procedures

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In a bold (for them) statement, NFL representatives have admitted that there is a teeny-tiny possibility that football-related concussions could have a miniscule connection to long-term brain damage.

However, to demonstrate their contention to the contrary, top NFL executives have agreed to undergo voluntary concussion procedures. These procedures will be shown live on the NFL Network as a pay-per-view event and will include Commissioner Roger Goodell as both the emcee and a concussion volunteer.

When NFL owners were asked if they agreed with this plan, their spokesman said, “Hell yeah, we love it! After all, we hired those boys ′cause they weren’t too bright. Gettin’ whacked upside the head ain’t gonna make ’em much dumber. Besides, we’ll make tons of dough off this rodeo. Who wouldn’t pay good money to see Goodell get clobbered a few times?”

When the NFL Players Association representative was asked about this he said, “We consider this a grandstand play, and it will do nothing to address the serious problem of CTE [Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy].”

However, when polled, the vast majority of current and former NFL players said it was a marvelous idea, and most were eager to take an active part in the event.

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Baseball Is Not Boring—It’s Subtle

Byteing_Words_Baseball-Not-Boring“Baseball is boring,” say the critics. “There’s not enough action.”

That’s because the critics are ignorant savages who do not understand the subtleties of this highly cerebral game. They have been jaded by brutish sports such as basketball and football, wherein highly-skilled competitors perform a variety of athletic feats while running, jumping and otherwise moving rapidly about.

Baseball, as true aficionados know, rarely stoops to that kind of low-class activity. Rather, the most meaningful action takes place when the ball is not in play. For example, let’s look at what the pitcher is really doing as he leans forward to read the catcher’s signs. To the average fan, he is shaking off pitch suggestions until he gets the one he wants.

However, sophisticated fans know that they are actually engaged in a philosophical discussion, with the pitcher tacitly saying, “I do not think that pragmatism is the optimum selection. I believe that empiricism is the proper choice.” (Translation for the boorish: “Screw the slider. I’m bringin’ the heat.”)

Another example of the subtleties of baseball is in the signals transmitted by the coaching staff to the players. Let’s say the manager of the team in the field is standing on the top step of the dugout and vigorously “adjusting” himself. To the average fan, he is engaged in a rather unseemly public display of self-gratification.

But discerning fans know that he’s actually sending a message to his pitcher: “I strongly encourage you to hurl the projectile in a trajectory that takes it directly toward the batter’s auditory organ, or you and I will have words.” (Translation for the boorish: “Stick it in his ear or I’ll tear you a new one.”)

I could cite many more examples, but I think the point is obvious. If you’re aware of the subtleties and nuances of baseball, your enjoyment of the game will be greatly enhanced. At the very least, it will keep you from lapsing into a coma.

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