“Safety Pins Are A Safety Hazard!” Says OSHA Chief.
“We Recommend Velcro.”
With thousands of people wearing safety pins to show their support for minorities who feel threatened by the election of Donald Trump, the number of safety pin related accidents has risen dramatically. To address this alarming problem, the head of OSHA, Dr. David Michaels, held an emergency press conference. He began the conference with an opening statement:
“As you all know, there are widespread reports of people being seriously injured while installing and removing safety pins. We realize these people have the best of intentions, but we have to warn them that, according to the CDC, safety pins are the third most dangerous item in the world―right after thermonuclear bombs and weaponized Ebola virus.”
Dr. Michaels held up a menacing-looking safety pin to illustrate his warning.
“You can see it has a very sharp point that can pierce right through your chest cavity into your heart, a spring that can snap an eye out, and a clippy part that could tear a limb off. Therefore, we strongly urge people to swap their safety pins for a much safer item: Velcro.”
Dr. Michaels then held up a rather benign-looking piece of Velcro.
“You can see it’s not hard, it’s not sharp, and it has no clippy thing. The worst that could happen is that you accidentally stick it on your forehead, and you rip off an eyebrow trying to remove it.”
Dr. Michaels proceeded to demonstrate this, and, after screaming in agony and bleeding profusely, he said, “Granted, it hurts like hell, but, unlike a safety pin, it’s not life-threatening. Therefore, as a public service, we are providing free Velcro strips, along with free eyebrow pencils, at all US Post Offices.”