Recalculate This!
 A GPS Relationship Goes Terribly Wrong

By Wesley Michelson


They say you never forget your first time with a GPS. I know I certainly haven’t. At this point you’re probably thinking, “Dude, this sounds a little creepy.” But before you bail, let me ask you a few questions…

Is it creepy that, whenever I told her where I wanted to go, she’d tell me exactly how to get there, no questions asked? I think not.

Is it creepy that my loins were enflamed whenever she said “recalculating” in her sultry, seductive voice? Maybe a little.

Is it creepy that sometimes I like to wear lacy lingerie and prance around the… Okay, that’s creepy.

Still, for about six months, things were great between us. Then one day it all began to change. Her directional voice became cold and distant, and her “recalculating” message had a distinct edge to it.

I figured that the puppy love stage had ended, and we would move on to a deeper relationship. But it wasn’t to be. As time passed, her voice became snippier and her attitude surlier.

Hurt and angry, I began to strike back. I would intentionally make wrong turns faster than she could recalculate. In addition, I would input faraway destinations such as Tegucigalpa, Honduras and Ketchikan, Alaska, only to cancel them after she’d mapped out the routes.

She retaliated by giving me wrong directions and getting me hopelessly lost. Then, one cold, rainy night, she directed me to a very dangerous part of town and stopped communicating. “My God,” I thought, “she’s trying to get me killed!” Luckily, I was able to find my way to safety, but it was the final nail in the coffin.

When I got home, I yanked her out of the car, tossed her in a box, and posted her on eBay with the following description: “For sale. Female GPS with evil intentions and homicidal streak. Make offer.” Within an hour, I received a bid from a woman who said it sounded like the perfect gift for her husband.

So I sealed up the box and brought the GPS to the post office. As I watched the postal worker put her on the conveyor belt and disappear from my life, there was a tug at my heartstrings and a tear in my eye. “Sorry we couldn’t make it work, sweetheart,” I said, “but we were just going in different directions.”

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