My Toilet Is Smarter Than Your Toilet

By Wesley Michelson

 

byteing-words-smart-toiletAnd it’s friendlier, too. At least it would be if my wife hadn’t stopped me from buying the Toto Neorest 750H at the amazingly low price of just under $10,000. As I recall, her exact words were, “Ten thousand dollars for a toilet?!!! Are you out of your freakin’ mind?!!!”

“Now hold on there, snugglebumps,” I said. “Let me tell you about this amazing fixture.”

Whereupon I expounded on the Neorest’s self-cleaning features which include:

  1. Actilight UV blasting
  2. A super-hydrophilic surface
  3. Electrolysed flush water

While I’m not sure what all those things are, they certainly sound effective. Unfortunately, my wife was not impressed, and her response was rather abrupt. “You can stick that sales pitch right down your smart toilet. I’m not buying it.” Then she walked off.

I didn’t even get a chance to talk about the toilet’s user-friendly attributes which include:

  1. A “Washing Wand” with three settings: Soothing, Pulsing and Zowie!
  2. A lid that opens when you arrive and closes when you leave
  3. A seat-warmer

Clearly, this is a toilet that is happy to see us. And let’s face it, toilets have two pretty good reasons, which we’ll just call “number one” and “number two,” for not being all that thrilled at our arrival.

However, if I had one of these I’d worry that it would be intelligent enough to make decisions independent of its programming. And I wonder how I’d feel if someday it decided to end our relationship. Can you imagine being dumped by a toilet? Uber humiliating. Hopefully, the designers have considered that possibility and installed safeguards to avoid it.

For now, all I can do is wistfully imagine what my life would be like if I owned one of these marvelous devices. And if they ever come up with a model that includes a few conjugal functions… well, let’s just say that it would be a viable alternative to my current marital situation.

Finally, I’d like to offer a suggestion to the manufacturer. I don’t know what your sales slogan is for this device, but here’s one you can try: “Every Smartass Needs A Smart Toilet.”

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