A two-year marijuana study, directed by the National Institute of Stoners, has recently been completed. The following is a summary of their findings:
- It’s all good, man.
- Um, uh…
The study involved two groups of 20 volunteers each. The first group was given a non-psychotropic placebo, while the second group was given an unlimited supply of high-grade marijuana. Unfortunately, everyone in the placebo group quit after two hours with comments such as, “Worst weed ever!” However, the stoner group stuck to their regimen like troopers.
The testing began after three months of constant marijuana ingestion. Members of the active group (make that the semi-active group) were asked to perform a variety of complex physical and mental tasks. The first task, a demonstration of physical dexterity, required the subjects to stand up from a seated position, and remain standing for a least ten seconds. Eleven subjects were able to do this, one while chewing gum.
At the one-year interval, the subjects were given mental acuity tests such as counting backwards from four, and naming at least ten letters of the English alphabet. Nine subjects were able to do both tasks successfully, although one subject was given credit for naming the letters in his made-up language.
The final test, general knowledge, involved two questions:
- What planet are we currently on?
- What is the apogee and perigee of the Earth’s orbit around the sun?
Of the seven people who were still able to speak, five got the first question right. Of course, no one got the second question correct, but three people were able to identify the sun as “…the big yellow thingy in the sky.”
A press conference was held by Wilfred Budman to announce the results of the study. Following his opening statement, Mr. Budman was asked by a reporter if there were any adverse effects of marijuana on short-term memory. After thinking for a few seconds, Mr. Budman replied, “What was the question?”