Federal Reserve Board Raises Key Interest Rate By 1/4 Percent…

Exhausted Board Members Plan Three-Year Vacations


Taking their first action in a year, the Federal Reserve Board decided to raise the key interest rate by 1/4 percent. In announcing this decision, Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen said, “Well, we haven’t done squat for the past year except go to meetings and order takeout. With a new president coming in, we figured we had to take action or we might lose these cushy jobs. Besides, that’s the official motto of the Fed: ‘Do something… even if it’s wrong.’

“It was a lot of work, too,” explained Ms. Yellen. “Since we have only five members on the board instead of the usual seven, we each had to raise the rate by 1/20 percent to get to 1/4 percent. That’s some heavy lifting, so we voted to take three-year vacations.”

Reaction from the financial community was swift and, as usual, virtually incomprehensible. As Morton Shmidlap, head of the Council of Economic Obfuscation said, “We believe that raising the key interest rate, coupled with the lackluster performance of the bond market, will create fluctuations in the GDP that are hitherto beyond the scope of our prognostic timeline.”

When a reporter remarked that this statement sounded like a load of useless gobble-de-gook, Mr. Shmidlap responded, “I know. That’s why I became an economist. But what the hell, I get paid for it anyway.”

President-elect Trump reacted to this news by tweeting: “This is the worst idea in human history… unless it works. Then it’s the best.”

President Obama reacted by promising board members clemency, although he didn’t specify what for.

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