Fear The Walking iDead
Steve Did A Job On Us
By Wesley Michelson
Every day and everywhere there are more of them. People who stumble about like automatons, totally immersed in their smartphones, oblivious to the world around them. They are the walking iDead, and by now there are millions—nay, billions of them.
Furthermore, they want to pull the rest of us into their virtual abyss. “Look what’s on my phone,” they say. Then, they point their phones at us, trying to get us to look. But I warn you: Do not gaze upon their screens! Instead, you must flee in terror, lest you become one of them.
And while I know we’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead, I blame Steve Jobs for this state of affairs. I have no idea what Mr. Jobs’ intentions were when he introduced the iPhone, but I’ve always wanted to ask him about it. So when Apple announced their latest app called Commune-with-the-dead, I immediately downloaded it. (Note: If you want to try this, make sure you don’t download the Commune-with-the-Dead app or you’ll only be able to talk to Jerry Garcia.)
After I installed the app, I called Mr. Jobs.
(A ringtone is heard.)
Jobs: Is this you again Gates? Because it’s not funny anymore.
Me: No, it’s just a fanboy. I’d like to ask about your iPhone idea. Have you seen what’s going on down here? Uh, you are looking down, right?
Jobs: Yes, I am, and I love what I see.
Me: But people are spending more time interacting with their smartphones than they are with real life.
Jobs: The smartphone is real life, and a better version of it at that.
Me: How so?
Jobs: The outside world is scary and messy, and you have very little control over it. In the smartphone world you have almost complete control. You decide who and what to deal with, and you can filter out the things you don’t like. You’re the master of your own little universe.
Me: Yeah, but—
Jobs: Hold on a minute; I have another call coming.
Jobs: That was the boss. He’s PO’d because Siri can’t understand a burning bush. So I gotta go. Adios amigo and keep it virtual.