A recent search of WWII Japanese military archives uncovered a large number of intriguing documents, including the only known copy of the Kamikaze Airlines Customer Survey form. It is shown below.
- Was this your first time on Kamikaze Airlines?
(Note: If your answer is “No” you’ll have to attend at least one Hara-kiri training class.)
- Other than the part where you crashed into an American naval vessel, would you say it was a positive experience?
□ It was positively smashing
- Would you volunteer to do it again?
- Would you recommend Kamikaze Airlines to others?
- If the answer to number 5 is “Yes,” to whom would you recommend it?
□ The guy who decided this was a good idea
□ My wife’s Karate instructor
□ Prime Minister Tojo
□ All of the above
- Tell us how we can improve our service, such as:
□ Ejection seats
□ Round-trip tickets
Other suggestions (please keep it clean) _______________
Thanks for your input! Thus far, 000 people have responded to this survey.
William Henry Harrison
The “Less Is More” President
There’s a prophetic saying that goes: “Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.” In Washington, D.C., there’s a similar saying that goes: “Anyone can be President for 32 days.”
The saying refers to William Henry Harrison, our ninth president, who, despite a 32-day tenure, compiled a record that is unmatched in American history. During his Administration, there were no wars, no scandals and no deficit spending (mainly because the government was out of money).
He was a member of the Whig party, a name that was chosen primarily because most people had no idea what it stood for. Harrison’s nickname was “Tippecanoe,” probably because whenever he got into a small boat it would eventually capsize. Get it? Tippecanoe? Capsize? (The Harrisons were not known for their sparkling wit.)
During the 1840 presidential campaign, Harrison’s opponents depicted him as a doddering old man. To prove his vitality, Harrison delivered a two-hour inaugural address without a topcoat or hat, even though it was a cold, rainy, windy day. This event would have been a major boost to his image as a healthy, vigorous man had he not dropped dead a month later.
His death was something of a surprise to his doctors who utilized the latest high-tech medicine of their time, including: Leeches, snakeweed extract and skin-blistering followed by suction cups to draw out evil substances. Surprisingly, nothing worked.
He died penniless, so Congress, in its magnanimity, awarded his wife a pension and (this is true) free postage for life.
Highlights of Harrison’s Presidency
- He delivered the longest inaugural address in history.
- He served the shortest term of any president.
- He was the first president to have his picture taken while in office.
- He was first president to die while in office.
That’s about it.
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Real News vs. Fake News… Guidelines For Users
Recently, there have been numerous stories in the media about fake news. However, with the wide dissemination of fake news, it can be difficult to determine which fake news stories are real and which are fake. To help our readers in this regard, we offer the following guidelines:
- How to tell real news stories
Real news stories are those which are upsetting, depressing and/or ridiculous sounding. For example, suppose you were to read the following headlines just a few years ago…
“Twitter-Obsessed Reality TV Star Elected President of U.S.”
“Former Olympics Decathlon Champion Gets Sex-Change Procedure.”
“Kim Kardashian Doesn’t Publicly Expose Her Rear End for an Entire Month.”
“Dems Get Tough on Russians. Some Repubs Say, ‘Back Off. More Important Things to Worry About.’”
You’d undoubtedly think these were all fake news, yet they are real.
- How to tell fake news stories
Fake news stories are those which sound far-fetched, but which some people really want to believe are true, so they do. For example, check out the following headlines:
“Hillary Clinton Caught Eating Kittens Stuffed With Hummus While Wearing Burka and E-mailing U.S. Security Secrets to Terrorists.”
“Donald Trump Shoots Seven People on New York’s Fifth Avenue. Supporters Remain Loyal. ‘We Told You He Was Different,’ They Say.”
Sounds absurd, we know, but we guarantee some people would believe them. The question is why. According to the Institute for the Preservation of Fake news, there are three reasons:
- Such stories re-enforce what they already believe.
- They are gullible morons who are too lazy to check out the veracity of the story.
- They think anything they read on the Internet is true, even this crap.
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If You Don’t Like Soccer…
You’re A Moron
By James Roundtree
And so am I. And so, apparently, is the majority of the American people, because the likelihood that soccer will someday compete with American football (aka Concussions-R-Us) for popularity is nil.
Speaking of nil (note the smooth segue), isn’t that the most asinine word for “zero” you’ve ever heard? But if you’re in the company of soccer nuts, you darn well better use it. If you announce a soccer score of, say, “Two to nothing,” the nil Nazis will assault you like the panzers invading Poland. “It’s two nil!” the raving twits will scream, as though you’ve committed a crime against humanity.
Still, I keep watching soccer and keep trying to find reasons to enjoy it. After all, we’re constantly being told that it’s the world’s most popular and “sophisticated” sport. The implication is that most Americans are just too simple-minded to appreciate it.
However, from what I’ve seen, soccer is about as sophisticated as mud wrestling, because a typical match consists of a bunch of people randomly kicking and head-butting a ball around for 90 minutes, until—on extremely rare occasions—the ball goes into the goal. Whereupon the players, announcers and fans fly into a complete frenzy, as though they’ve witnessed one of the most unique events in the universe. Which isn’t very far from the truth.
Since the game itself doesn’t do anything for me, I decided to try and find other positive aspects of it. One of the things I really like is called “diving.” That’s when a player collapses to the ground and writhes about in agony if an opposing player so much as nicks his knickers. These histrionics often lead to yellow cards or even penalty kicks.
“Why, that’s out-and-out cheating,” I thought when I first saw it. Of course, that’s fine with Americans, because our athletes have been cheating for decades with PEDs and it hasn’t hurt the popularity of any major sport.
Then there is FIFA, the international governing body of soccer, and arguably the most corrupt group of officials in sports. Clearly, as with cheating, corruption is no problem for most Americans. After all, we keep electing the same politicians to public office year after year.
What about soccer fans? In general, they are even drunker and more deranged than American sports fans. Not only that, but they are far more violent. They have been known to assault, and even kill, players and officials who cost their teams big games.
To sum up: Soccer has cheating players, corrupt officials, public drunkenness, deranged fans and extreme violence. What could be more American?
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Federal Reserve Board Raises Key Interest Rate By 1/4 Percent… Exhausted Board Members Plan Three-Year Vacations
Exhausted Board Members Plan Three-Year Vacations
Taking their first action in a year, the Federal Reserve Board decided to raise the key interest rate by 1/4 percent. In announcing this decision, Fed Chairwoman Janet Yellen said, “Well, we haven’t done squat for the past year except go to meetings and order takeout. With a new president coming in, we figured we had to take action or we might lose these cushy jobs. Besides, that’s the official motto of the Fed: ‘Do something… even if it’s wrong.’
“It was a lot of work, too,” explained Ms. Yellen. “Since we have only five members on the board instead of the usual seven, we each had to raise the rate by 1/20 percent to get to 1/4 percent. That’s some heavy lifting, so we voted to take three-year vacations.”
Reaction from the financial community was swift and, as usual, virtually incomprehensible. As Morton Shmidlap, head of the Council of Economic Obfuscation said, “We believe that raising the key interest rate, coupled with the lackluster performance of the bond market, will create fluctuations in the GDP that are hitherto beyond the scope of our prognostic timeline.”
When a reporter remarked that this statement sounded like a load of useless gobble-de-gook, Mr. Shmidlap responded, “I know. That’s why I became an economist. But what the hell, I get paid for it anyway.”
President-elect Trump reacted to this news by tweeting: “This is the worst idea in human history… unless it works. Then it’s the best.”
President Obama reacted by promising board members clemency, although he didn’t specify what for.
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A two-year marijuana study, directed by the National Institute of Stoners, has recently been completed. The following is a summary of their findings:
- It’s all good, man.
- Um, uh…
The study involved two groups of 20 volunteers each. The first group was given a non-psychotropic placebo, while the second group was given an unlimited supply of high-grade marijuana. Unfortunately, everyone in the placebo group quit after two hours with comments such as, “Worst weed ever!” However, the stoner group stuck to their regimen like troopers.
The testing began after three months of constant marijuana ingestion. Members of the active group (make that the semi-active group) were asked to perform a variety of complex physical and mental tasks. The first task, a demonstration of physical dexterity, required the subjects to stand up from a seated position, and remain standing for a least ten seconds. Eleven subjects were able to do this, one while chewing gum.
At the one-year interval, the subjects were given mental acuity tests such as counting backwards from four, and naming at least ten letters of the English alphabet. Nine subjects were able to do both tasks successfully, although one subject was given credit for naming the letters in his made-up language.
The final test, general knowledge, involved two questions:
- What planet are we currently on?
- What is the apogee and perigee of the Earth’s orbit around the sun?
Of the seven people who were still able to speak, five got the first question right. Of course, no one got the second question correct, but three people were able to identify the sun as “…the big yellow thingy in the sky.”
A press conference was held by Wilfred Budman to announce the results of the study. Following his opening statement, Mr. Budman was asked by a reporter if there were any adverse effects of marijuana on short-term memory. After thinking for a few seconds, Mr. Budman replied, “What was the question?”
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A Cabinet Of Generals
Since President-elect Trump has appointed a number of military generals to high office, we say go all the way and let the generals run the entire executive branch. Here are some suggestions:
- Agriculture, General Foods
- Commerce, General Store
- Defense, The General (already done)
- Education, General Knowledge
- Energy, General Electric
- Health and Human Services, General Welfare
- Homeland Security, General Admission
- Housing and Urban Development, General Quarters
- Interior, General Nature
- Labor, General Contractor
- State, General Terms
- Transportation, General Motors
- Treasury, Dollar General
- Veterans Affairs, General Hospital
Fortuitously, we already have an Attorney General, a Postmaster General and a Surgeon General.